First an update on Noah and me
Noah and I are doing well. Our connection is above average. Our “like” for each other is very high (we rank like over love when measuring marital bliss). Our relationship feels good.
He recently expressed interest in:
- identifying a few new friends
- not inquiring about Andrea’s reasons for dampening their friendship
- reclaiming his lunch hour for himself (instead of the status-quo all-staff lunch). I could have cried while he expressed his thoughts over the phone.
Each of his ideas are a prayer answered for me.
While I’m hopeful for a new day, I must admit I’ve been anxious and impatient for Andrea to move out of his building. Specifically I’m looking forward to closure. I’m hoping Noah and I can move forward from these “dark ages” with a clean slate. I want to leave behind that feeling I get at some point every morning before he leaves for work or during lunch time. I can imagine I will feel relief when I know we are back on the same page about the things that are important in our marriage. Having something/someone in our lives that throws off our ability to be on one accord has been a painful and frustrating experience.
A commenter/friend notified me that she and her husband had a friendship-situation relapse. She’d thought they had eliminated the problem but it looks like it may have just been dormant. I don’t know. Maybe something happened in their lives to drive him back to his friend for comfort, despite the problem he should know this rekindling creates. I will learn from her experience. I will temper my expectations but still hope for the best.
Women’s Code of Ethics for Interactions with Married Men
My commenter-friend also mentioned the Women’s Code of Ethics for Interactions with Married Men. About her husband’s friend she said:
This woman should know better. It’s selfish on her end to keep him near knowing how she would feel if she were in my place. “Girl Code” that is another reason why I’m so tired of this whole thing. Women know women. We have a common bond and know to a degree what or how we are going to react or think about things. Amongst my female friends it’s an unspoken agreement that once a male friend is attached you have different boundaries and how you react around and with your friend changes. I’ve found that most women know this and respect this unspoken rule. So this woman my husband is friends with “knows” better. She is putting her needs first because my husband makes her feel good.
Yes women “know” women but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We know (and she knows) she should know better but I don’t think she feels she owes you that. Especially when her needs are being met by him. She knows how it would make her feel if the proverbial shoe was on the other foot, but that’s not always enough to fend off the good feelings she’s getting now. She’ll regret it…later. She may even find herself in your place one day, maybe she’s already been there. Women know women, yes, but she’s not automatically her sister’s keeper. The Universal “Girl’s Code” and the “Women’s Code of Ethics for Interactions with Married Men” are the same thing, a Utopian figment of our imaginations. Keepers of this code are few. That’s my honest opinion.
I’ve used WordPress blogs to learn about how people think and behave in male-female relationships . I’ve read several blogs by the other woman. Here’s what I’ve come believe.
- Has rationalized her behavior to make it OK.
- Believes it is not her responsibility to protect your marriage. If your husband is reaching out to her, she will accept him and reach back.
- Has an innate desire to nurture so if He goes to her in need of something , she’s happy to help.
- Desires attention, wants to be desired and sought after.
- Secretly gets off on knowing she can give him something you can’t seem to.
- Sees everything about him that is unattached to the bills, children and other day-to-day life challenges. Wouldn’t it be nice to live outside of reality like that?
- Has needs too. She wants comforting, advice, and laughter. She wants a true friend to connect with. He provides her with some of her needs and she finds it very difficult to deny herself that luxury.
Our Husbands took a Vow
I think our best bet is always working with our husbands to make things right. He made a vow to love, honor, and respect us. Ensure he knows what you need to feel loved, honored and respected. Don’t rely on the fact that he should know. If in doubt tell him again. This is a two-way street. Women may know women but we aren’t necessary as well-versed in men. Find out what your man wants and needs. What is he missing at home AND what does he get from her? Make the effort to be what he needs. Asking and/or expecting her to back off is probably not worth your time. Especially if he isn’t on board with the plan. I may take heart-wrenching talks, but find out what it takes to get on the same page. Then make a plan to get there. It may take sacrifice on both sides. Nobody ever said marriage was easy, but it is worth the trouble.
On a personal note
On two occasions Noah has told me that Andrea’s actions have disappointed him. I’d like to feel relieved by that but what I see coming from him is a bit of hurt. He’s shared with me that her recent actions don’t represent the friend she used to be and I can clearly see he is conflicted. Andrea appears to be breaking ties with Noah. Yes, he shut down the possibility of them partnering together so technically he started it, but she seems to be putting the nail in the coffin. Being the over-analyst that I am, I have considered the possibility that she’s just trying to get his attention with the intention of trying to fix things between them. Ignoring men is a notoriously successful technique to bring them to your doorstep. Whatever the case, her actions and behavior have led him to believe she’s not interested in being his friend (at least not on his terms).
Even though I’ve admitted to some lingering anxiety, I’ve been more relaxed about this thing than ever. Sometime this week an athlete talked to the news about the stress of preparing for the competition. This young lady said she embraces the tension.
Embraces the tension and stress?!!
How do you do that? I don’t know yet, but it’s worth a try.
- My Husband Spends Too Much Time with His Friends! Marriage Advice for Women (healthstream.typepad.com)
- Being what he needs (goodwifetales.wordpress.com)