Myself in another’s blog

My story and this woman’s story cross paths. They don’t walk together, no. They meet in passing.

In one post Cleo, the blogger, is informed that she didn’t get a job because the wife of her would-be employer was uncomfortable with the situation. Cleo handles it well but I was laser focused on the wife and her husband. The wife immediately expressed her concern about her husband working with a sexy, outgoing vibrant woman (my words not hers, but I’m guessing I’m close) AND the husband took it in consideration and chose not to hire Cleo. Ok, this sucks for Cleo but what a win for the employer and his wife, at least from my point of view. She had the balls I didn’t to immediately express her discomfort and her husband did not hire the perceived threat. That wife won’t be Googling “uncomfortable with husband’s female coworker” and stumbling onto my site like so many others have. Oh, if I had the chance to do it all over again would you even be reading this blog post right now? Would my husband have acted like the employer and backed down from reeling Andrea into his office and in turn saved me a boatload of anxiety? Oh the possibilities!
But instead I’m here on post #110+ (10 months later) still working to stifle (or maybe destroy) my insecurities.
I am the woman Cleo meets and cries for in this excerpt (below) from another post. I’m not the actual woman she meets but I am that woman:

I’m crying for everyone who is fearing the worst.

She didn’t know what to say, but her eyes spoke for her. She was afraid of something that hadn’t happened, wasn’t going to happen…unless she fed her fear enough to give it the power to create her worst fear – losing her husband. She was acting as if it had already happened. She also knew that there was no rational explanation for her fear, but there existed many scenarios in her life that could tip bad. Just as they could tip good. The human mind’s tendency to want zero in on the pitfalls, going where it feels it’s needed, feeds the fear, turning the pitfalls into guaranteed outcomes. Because she didn’t speak up, it festered. It left her short-tempered with her husband, creating space between them. She wasn’t seeing the beauty of the life they were creating but how terribly wrecked her life would be if she lost it all, lost her husband.

Thoughts become things.

I wanted to tell her to let go of the fear, to not feed it. Because if fed it will never leave, like a stray cat. Fear paralyzes, like the sting from a Tarantula hawk, a small wasp that can take down a large, furry arachnid with one bite. Fear is vapor until we give it a sheet to wear. Then it becomes a ghost, haunting us from the inside, convincing us it’s bigger than we are are, when it is simply still vapor under a bed sheet. Fear unravels the connections in our brain, rewiring us to see doom where others see challenges to work through, opportunities to achieve and looks forward to reveling in the successes that are sure to be had.

So I’ve never met this blogger (I don’t think) but she knows me and my issues and has offered advice that resounds with me. It confirms the new path I’ve already begun toward my outlook on my marriage and The Friendship Situation.

I think I need to donate money to WordPress for helping me connect with so many people who have helped me directly and indirectly through this challenging time.

I declare the next 10 months of my marriage will be soo much better than the last 10!

18 thoughts on “Myself in another’s blog

      • You reading Cleo is like me reading a betrayed spouse’s blog I suppose. It shows the other side.
        Or a BS reading my or an Ows blog.
        Seeing each other work thru their problems.
        And I’m struggling to write something new and relevant this last while. Im very worried about the emotional state of my xOW and theres not a thing I can do except hope and pray for her and her husband to make things work. My level of frustration is too high to be creative maybe.

      • Did I miss a post? How do you know about the current emotional state of xOW? You seem highly invested in the success of their relationship. Is it because you can’t help but care for her? I’m not judging just asking.

      • No you didn’t miss a post. I don’t have direct contact with her, but we do have mutual friends. I suppose I am invested in the success of their relationship. I do care even just as a “friend”, but also selfishly, I don’t want to be blamed. I guess by now, it would be hard to blame me necessarily except for maybe causing /starting some change. I also don’t like things to go out of control…the unexpected…that’s another worry.
        your question: Is it because you can’t help but care for her?
        I think I can help it, but there could be circumstances that make it very difficult.

      • “But there could be circumstances that make [not caring for her] very difficult”
        Now that is a mysterious answer. I don’t need to get into your business (unless you blog it then its fair game) but lets just say that you make it clear (to me) in your writing and comments that letting go of her,truly, is an enormous struggle for you. You’ve done the basic requirement in deed but emotionally it’s still a struggle. Do you think you can cling/bond/

      • Oops I hit reply on accident.
        Do you think your lingering feelings for xOW interfere with your efforts to bond/be vulnerable with your wife? Or do you feel that once you can be vulnerable with your wife your lingering feelings/concern for xOW will fade? You don’t have to answer these but I can’t help but ask. I’m curious how married couples recover and you’ve out yourself out there to share your journey. You have an inquisition blog mate:)

      • I almost wish I hadn’t commented. It opens inconsistency in my thinking. I am still vulnerable to the person I remember as the OW. I don’t believe that person exists anymore (she’s changed, and the couple of times I’ve seen her I’ve been surprised how much, and how I felt I didn’t know her, probably just an illusion). Still I know she wanted to make her marriage work, and I’m worried that what that entails for her is just too much. I think I’d like to offer encouragement or insight, but really, what am i thinking? My hands are tied, and even if they weren’t it wouldn’t help coming from me. It wouldn’t help her or me. She’s incredibly vulnerable emotionally to men who give her attention and approval of the sort that she doesn’t really get from her H. This includes me, and I think someone before I came on the scene (I don’t really know). It starts out innocently enough, but most men can’t resist her charm, and things begin to cross the lines of emotional faithfullness.

      • Please don’t get uncomfortable on my account. I’m fine if at any time you say you prefer not to answer that. Your answer however addresses the core of my questions. You ask and answer my unasked questions here. You seem to know what’s required though you don’t have to like it. I know it didn’t feel good to have to script this comment but you seem to have worked through some things anyway. I guess that’s what talking about it is all about.

      • Thanks , it’s so valuable to have someone like you who isn’t afraid to lead me through the logical inconsistencies of my thoughts to their real meaning. There’s so much I more I could say. I’ll give it time.

    • Rgonaut, as always I admire your openess and honesty about your situation. I worry for you, as you struggle with still having an emotional connection to the ow. Is this something you could discuss with a counselor, so you could get closure? From all the reading I have done, until the ow is out of your life it is not possible to fully and completely invest in and rebuild the marital relationship. I fear your wife is feeling some distance and this will impede the healing you so clearly are seeking.

      • Closure is missing for me. I don’t think it can be achieved under any circumstances other than those of time and perhaps distance.
        Or is it selfishness on my part that refuses to allow closure?
        You see?

      • I keep hitting post on accident using this WordPress app. Please excuse the premature post, again.

        As I was saying. You don’t seem to have experienced the required distance necessary to evaluate the ability to reach closure. It sounds like you have some way of staying updated on her emotional state. Perhaps you control this. Maybe you inquire about her or intentionally stay connected to people connected to her. Will you cut all ties, move if you have to, in order to give your marriage a real chance? Careful how (if) you answer this one.
        Tell me if you think I’m way off base.

      • I hate that the reply button doesn’t appear so I have to use Notifications, and half the time, the window for reply in Notifications disappears if you click in the wrong place. I’m replying to both EG and GW’s comments here.
        You are correct that I get updates on the OW and its by my choice. And she does on me as well, I think. Periodically I try not to, but curiosity always gets the better of me. Sometimes, I don’t even have to try not to, I just don’t bother asking, or seeing our mutual friends. It can be a problem, as both of you point out, or is it? Is it a cause of problems, or is it a symptom of problems? I mean if I didn’t get updates maybe it just means I’ve reached a state where I’m no longer curious, so it could be a symptom of where I am at, not the cause of where I am at.
        On the other hand, I don’t feel it takes away from my marriage. My marriage is what it is. It is much improved, and I do not settle or allow it to decay back to the state it was once in. I am not at all sure it can improve much more, and I don’t think that has anything to do with whether or not I’m aware of the OW’s current state. It is just a fact that certain aspects of my marriage are not changeable. For example, my wife is not ever going to learn to do or enjoy certain athletic activities which I enjoy.

        I think we are talking about two different kinds of closure. To me closure means the act of ending a relationship, knowing that it is truly truly over on both sides, something which we never got to do. Another kind of closure, is just that state of no longer thinking about the other person or really caring what happens to her or him (except as one might care for the well being of someone you don’t even know). This second one, is the only safe way for me to get closure now I think, and it can take a long time depending on the circumstances of the affair. If the affair ends naturally, (just peters out as time goes by), or in anger about something, its probably easier. When we parted we still wanted to be friends, but of course we knew it could never work for so many reasons, and I think it is fair to say, we both felt we were in love, and might yet leave our marriages (how ever stupid that may sound now), so we never really got the first type of closure when we parted.

        The second type of closure, is when you no longer think much or ever about the other, etc, as I said above. I have not achieved it. I continue to be curious about the xOW (there have been long periods when I was a lot less curious than now), at first I found it quite uplifting that she seemed to turn things around very successfully compared to me. It seemed like magic, and I wished I could find the same magic….I tried, but I’m different. Nevertheless, things slowly improved for me, and I think improved in manner that rests on a pretty solid foundation.
        I thought “well maybe I’m not able to do what the xOW is doing so successfully, but I am progressing which is good” and I became content with slow but steady progress. Recently, I have begun to feel I have reached a plateau or maybe stalled, waiting for something to else to change.

        Recent updates (maybe since new Years) began to hint at some changes in the “magic” of the xOW’s emotional state. I’d describe it as “flailing” not failing. Maybe its necessary in order to get past whatever her problems may be. I wonder if that is in store for me? I don’t think so. But I sort of get how it can happen because she had such rapid success early on, but maybe the foundation was neglected? It’s fascinating , and its also concerning, and my concern as both of you point out, shows (i.e. Is a symptom) I have not achieved closure of the second kind yet.

        Just the other evening, I had a lovely time with my wife. I accompanied her to one of her artsy events where she’s a person of some importance. In the past I would have tried to avoid going for fear of extreme boredom and grumpiness. This time I went, and to my surprise, I wasn’t bored or grumpy, and she we so obviously pleased that I was there supporting her. I am making progress. Maybe there will come a time when I will forget to visit our mutual friend for updates. Maybe there will come a time when I stop posting here as well….

        Oh yeah, your questions:
        Would I move? Not a realistic possibility at this point in my life.
        Will I cut all ties? Can I curb my curiosity? Give my marriage a real chance? Hmmm, is my curiosity a symptom or a cause of incomplete closure? I’ve tried in the past, sometimes with more success that at others. I don’t necessarily think this is has a lot to do with giving my marriage a real chance. It doesn’t change what my marriage is or can be.

        Enough said for now…I feel like I just wrote a chapter in a book..and I deleted a few paragraphs as well. Probably dug an even deeper hole for me to fall into.

      • I agree with GoodWife. You aren’t in a position to see the answer to that question clearly. Putting aside marital healing, I am concerned for your personal healing. Your ability to forgive yourself and move forward. In essence, you still have contact if you have and utilize the ability to keep tabs on what she is doing and what is going on in her life. I think you need to strongly consider completely letting go of this. Stepping away from anyone or anything that keeps you aware of her life. You are not responsible for her choices, good or bad. She holds equal blame in the affair, and I think you are carrying too much guilt over what happened and how that is impacting her life. We are all impacted by affairs. But you need to focus on yourself first. I don’t think you can do that if you are holding on to some part of the past.

  1. I agree that while it sucks for Cleo, it is a win for the husband and wife. I know my husband wishes he had listened to my intuition about his AP. He also owns his own business, and I had never had any issues with the women in or associated with it until this one person came along. I’ll play devil’s advocate and guess that this couple has experienced infidelity. That what some may see as an over-reaction, is actually two people recognizing potential vulnerability and choosing not to put themselves in a situation that could hurt their marriage.

    I also agree completely about not feeding fear. But as a primary emotion, I don’t believe in ignoring it either. It alerts us to the fact that something isn’t right. Usually there is an explanation. I spent too much time during my husband’s affair trying to convince myself (or rather letting him convince me) that the threat was all in my head. It wasn’t real. It was some defect within myself. It turns out my fears were well-founded. Having said that, I reached a point where I had to stop letting the fear dominate my life. I had to give it to God. A wise friend told me at my lowest point to let it go, that for better or worse the truth would eventually come out. And until that time, the best thing I could do was focus on living MY life right. I guarded my heart when my own opportunity to cheat arose, and I walked away from that friendship. I set boundaries, I let him know his friendship was not acceptable or appropriate in my eyes, I let him know that his choices were not healthy for our marriage or our family. But at the end of the day, that they were exactly that….HIS choices. I quit making excuses for and enabling their friendship. He would tell you that my strong stance was part of what helped him end that relationship.

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