I asked my husband, Noah (N), if Andrea (A) had heard back about her job interview. You can believe me when I tell you that I truly, honestly, fiercely want her to be more successful at her job hunt than I’ve been thus far. He said that she hasn’t heard anything but that he knows she’ll take the job if they offer. I hope they offer. This offer is my last hope in getting this issue resolved in the method of my choosing. I’m not at all confident that N will look for another place to work if A doesn’t have to leave the office…. well not without a lot more prompting from me.
…prompting from me….in the method of my choosing.
Yes. I want it my way. This friendship situation bothers me but not him. I want this thing plucked from my life such that he’s working separate from her by any means necessary. Is that too much to ask? Maybe. Maybe not.
So the thing is, it’s not in my power to make anything happen.
I did my part. I (finally) shared my concerns with N about his close friendship with A. He assured me that the friendship is and always has been appropriate and honorable. He assured me that, although he believes his friendship with her is securely platonic, he will remain alert. He has read that work friends often find themselves on a slippery slope so together we reviewed and revised our boundaries. He assured me that he will continue to abide by these boundaries. He assured me that he loves me, really loves me and I need not feel threatened by this friendship at his office.
He seems to have decided not to seek another office space. I can clearly see that him leaving his office now wouldn’t be fiscally responsible, but at the same time it would make me feel sooo much better. He says he doesn’t want me to worry about money but as you can see, money was never what worried me most. He hasn’t renewed the lease to his current office yet but that is time coming fast and he has not lifted a finger to look elsewhere. I can see the writing on the wall.
So I’ve been thinking about what it means to submit to my husband. In our 16 years of marriage we’ve rarely had an issue that had to be resolved with the head of the household getting the final say because we couldn’t agree. Not because I challenge him on everything. Quite the opposite. We’re usually on the same page. On the occasions where we disagree, one of us is usually willing to give in rather quickly deferring the other. We don’t resent deferring because generally the other’s opinion is not that far off from our own, or “winning” that debate/argument isn’t that important. This has kept the peace in our house many-a-day.
We are at an impasse. This is one of those occasions where we default to his decision. He seems to want to keep the stability of his office space. After considering my concerns and evaluating the situation, he seems to have determined that his friendship with A is not and should not be seen as a threat to our marriage.
I understand how he feels but would prefer we start fresh anyway. I want him to take advantage of the opportunity to work separately from her (if not now, soon when it is more financially feasible). It would certainly help me feel better. There is so much baggage where she is concerned. Honestly, if he’d been in my position, I think he’d want me to leave that office.
I know what I have to do….submit to my husband’s leadership. So I scoured the web for articles to help me figure out how to successfully and reasonably submit.
Today I came across this blog post from a pastor’s wife about submitting:
http://rebelliouspastorswife.blogspot.com/2010/08/submitting-to-your-husband-as-to-lord_18.html
I’m also reading the book recommended in this post called The Surrendered Wife.
(Disclaimer: I’ll blog on this book for sure! It’s an interesting take/technique for improving marriage. It is not an appropriate technique for women married to men who have substance abuse, infidelity, domestic abuse, or other related/similar issues.)
I’m doing research now to see if this (submitting, not necessarily using the “surrendering” technique) is the right move for me but my gut says it is.
So that’s my new strategy. Learn to submit to my husband’s leadership now that we’ve come to an impasse.
My internal alert system seems to have relaxed (some) even though the situation has yet to and may not change. I’m not sure what’s up with that but I’m paying attention and taking notes. Maybe I can actually feel more secure about this setup instead of settling for just sucking it up.
Related articles
- Faith. Hope. Love. (goodwifetales.wordpress.com)
- I *do* trust my husband (goodwifetales.wordpress.com)
- Confronted my husband’s female friend (goodwifetales.wordpress.com)
Some marriages work when one partner is submissive and the other the boss. Like an employee who does what they’re told and trusts or perhaps doesn’t care if management is wrong.
Trust is a good thing. But I don’t see that you changing your relationship with N to be submissive to him in all things is smart. Maybe you can accept this particular choice of his. That’s ok. Life is full of compromises like this where one partner accepts the others judgement in a particular matter. I mean it’s either he accepts your choice or you accept his: there really is no in between I can make out. I don’t think N would want you to change everything.
Sometimes there are just rough spots in life that are rough, and unavoidable.
Try to see the beauty in what you have and are..maybe you can find peace.
I went through the same thought process at one time. I read several books (including the one by Martha Peace) on surrendering to my husband. While it is biblical, the bible also calls us to protect our marriage. It wasn’t until I put my foot down and demanded some concessions (not empty promises that his relationship was totally fine and on the up and up) that things turned around. What is he willing to do to make this situation better for YOU? What are the ACTIONS that he is taking and willing to take? Truly I am not trying to be blunt, but I see so much of myself in you. I was placated by words, convinced it was ME that needed to change. In reality, HE needed to step up and make some changes too. But it came too late for us. I don’t want that for you or anyone.
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